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The Element Song

Words that Start with the letter ‘C’

And one of my all time favs

Feel free to post some of your favorites in the comments
*In before School House Rock*

Taken from Maddox

Recently I’ve noticed that there are quite a few people who still aren’t familiar with all of the common terms and acronyms associated with the internet. So, out of the goodness of my heart, I’ve decided to help define these terms and acronyms so our new internet friends can feel comfortable using them.

Active X - This phrase is used to distinguish web sites with adult or pornographic content (hence the “X”).

AI - The gramatically incorrect way of saying “an eye.”

ASCII - Pronounced “Ass Key.” This is a term used in most gay and bisexual news groups to let someone know you’re interested in them. All ass pirates use an ASCII as their method of exploiting ass. (No relation to real pirates.)

Bandwidth - This is what the internet had before it became a popular means of distributing pornography.

Beta Version - The final state of a program published by Microsoft.

Cache - Potentially incriminating evidence… ahem.

Compiler - A program designed to tell you how wrong you are. It’s a great way to induce stress and frustration.

Cursor - Pronounced “Curse-OR.” The name of a robot from a popular 1950’s B movie about a robot that cusses like a sailor.

Direct X - Direct access to a site with pornographic or adult content.

Flame - New users are encouraged to ask for Flames. They’re messages from people who want to tell you how much they appreciate your existence.

FTP - Free TelePhones. Click on every site that says “FTP” to increase your chances of winning a free telephone.

GIF - A once popular image format, now primarily used for pornograhy banners.

GUI - Gross User Interface (See Windows 95/98).

Hacker - Anyone that uses America Online is a hacker. Hackers often speak entirely with their CAPS LOCK KEY on, so other hackers know who to pick out.

Kernel - The internet way of referring to Colonel Sanders, founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

LOL - Lame Obnoxious Loser. If you say something and someone types LOL, it means they think you’re a lame ass and they don’t like you.

Megahertz - This is what you say when you’re wounded or sick. Proper usage would be “My arm megahertz.”

Ping - The sequel to the popular game “Pong.”

PCI - Poor Concept Innovation (See Microsoft).

PPP - Porn Porn Porn! A wanker’s paradise.

Routers - The magic gnomes that transfer all queries on the internet.

Unix - Unix or Uniks are people who have their eye brows grown together so it appears as one.

Virus - See Windows 95/98.

The following concerns a question in a physics degree exam at the University of Copenhagen.

“Describe how to determine the height of a skyscraper with a barometer.”

One student replied:

“You tie a long piece of string to the neck of the barometer, then lower the barometer from the roof of the skyscraper to the ground. The length of the string plus the length of the barometer will equal the height of the building.”

This highly original answer so incensed the examiner that the student was failed. The student appealed on the grounds that his answer was indisputably correct, and the university appointed an independent arbiter to decide the case.

The arbiter judged that the answer was indeed correct, but did the problem it was decided to call the student in and allow him six minutes in which to provide a verbal answer which showed at least a minimal familiarity with the basic principles of physics.

For five minutes the student sat in silence, forehead creased in thought. The arbiter reminded him that time was running out, to which the student replied that he had several extremely relevant answers, but couldn’t make up his mind which to use.

On being advised to hurry up the student replied as follows:

“Firstly, you could take the barometer up to the roof of the skyscraper, drop it over the edge, and measure the time it takes to reach the ground. The height of the building can then be worked out from the formula H = 0.5g x t squared. But bad luck on the barometer.”

“Or if the sun is shining you could measure the height of the barometer, then set it on end and measure the length of its shadow. Then you measure the length of the skyscraper’s shadow, and thereafter it is a simple matter of proportional arithmetic to work out the height of the skyscraper.”

“But if you wanted to be highly scientific about it, you could tie a short piece of string to the barometer and swing it like a pendulum, first at ground level and then on the roof of the skyscraper. The height is worked out by the difference in the gravitational restoring force T = 2 pi sqroot (l / g).”

“Or if the skyscraper has an outside emergency staircase, it would be easier to walk up it and mark off the height of the skyscraper in barometer lengths, then add them up.”

“If you merely wanted to be boring and orthodox about it, of course, you could use the barometer to measure the air pressure on the roof of the skyscraper and on the ground, and convert the difference in millibars into feet to give the height of the building.”

“But since we are constantly being exhorted to exercise independence of mind and apply scientific methods, undoubtedly the best way would be to knock on the janitor’s door and say to him ‘If you would like a nice new barometer, I will give you this one if you tell me the height of this skyscraper’.”

The student was Niels Bohr, the only person from Denmark to win the Nobel prize for Physics.

Sauce

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Julius: Your pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me, then, to offer a retort.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
Brett: What?
Julius: What country dost thou hail from?
Brett: What?
Julius: Thou sayest thou dost hail from distant What!
I know but naught of thy strange country What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
Brett: What?
Julius: English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
Brett: Aye!
Julius: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
Brett: What?
(JULIUS presses his knife to BRETT’s throat)
Julius: Speak ‘What’ again! Thou cur, cry ‘What’ again!
I dare thee utter ‘What’ again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but ‘What’,
Of Marsellus Wallace!
Brett: He is dark.
Julius: Aye, and what more?
Brett: His head is shaven bald.
Julius: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
Brett: What?
(JULIUS strikes with his blade and BRETT cries out)
Julius: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
Brett: Nay!
Julius: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
Brett: I did not!
Julius: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou sought to rape him like a chattel whore!
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With aught save Lady Wallace, whom he wed.

Sauce